Not you're average game of hide-n-seek

Everyone has something in their life that they hide behind; whether it's disease, death, or destruction everyone has something that they use as a shield to block others from knowing the real them.

I hide behind my Trichotillomania.

Trichotillomania (pronounced: trik-oh-till-oh-may-nee-ah) is a type of psychological condition that involves strong urges to pull out one's own hair.
Doctors used to believe trichotillomania was rare. But that thinking is now changing as experts gain a better understanding of the condition and more people come forward for help. Trichotillomania affects more girls than guys.

I've been struggling with this disorder since 5th grade. And up until about 4 months ago I had trouble actually accepting it. My mom would see my diminishing hair and try to talk to me about it and I would get extremely defensive about it and start yelling at her until she would drop the topic, but I could always tell she was worried about me.
 
The weekend in May that I went up to Philadelphia for my older sisters bridal shower I finally was able to admit it to my mom. It was hard, involved a lot of tears, and me making a vow to stop pulling before my sisters wedding. I can't say that at that very moment I instantly stopped pulling because in fact I didn't. I want to, oh how I wanted to stop pulling, but it's just not that easy.
 
The beginning of July brought so much panic to me. My sister was getting married in less than a month and I still hadn't stopped pulling. I knew she had been planning on the bridal party getting their hair done by a professional, and I was terrified. At that point I had definitely slowed down my pulling, but by no means could I say that I had completely stopped the action.
 
It was almost subconscious and I was doing it without even thinking about it or realizing it. I would sit down to read a book or magazine and my hand would instantly gravitate towards my head, or I'd being driving home from work and my hand would find it's way to the top of my head. It finally took me spending an entire night doing some research about Trichotillomania to figure out my plan of action. I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. It was going to be something that I would have to think about every single day for the rest of my life. On one website I read testimonials of people who were "cured" of the disorder and some of them gave some really great advice.
 
One woman wrote about how she would never even allow herself to put her hands anywhere near her face. By making that a rule for herself it took the focus away from just keeping her hand out of her hair and putting the focus to another body part all together. I'm not entirely sure why, but that was the biggest and best piece of advice I got from the entire website. Just a few weeks before my sisters wedding I made the commitment to myself that I would completely stop. I would go charging into battle and I would win it. There was no other option.
 
Currently I am 27 days of no pulling, almost a month, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I've made it a point to keep a running count of how many days I haven't pulled on a dry erase board, it has helped me so much because I get a little bit of a rush every time I get the chance to erase the old number and put up my new number of how many days I've been pull free. It sort of replaces that rush that I got from pulling my hair out to begin with.
 
While I being sure to take things day by day I am so looking forward to what overcoming this challenge has in the future for me. The nerd that I am had to look up the rate of hair grown (1/2 an inch per month). I was hoping I would be able to show off a new do at my grandfather's 80th birthday party but I don't think that will happen seeing as it will be in November, that would only give me about 2.5 inches. While that is a total bummer that I won't be able to rock a new style I think it will definitely look so much better that what it used to look like. By November everything will at least be filled in a not all patchy and scarce looking.
 
I blame my Trichotillomania for my lack of physical relationships. I'm hiding behind my lack of hair and pushing people away who try and get close to me. I know that's not a healthy thing to do, but neither really is pulling out your hair, but I still do that. I hope that conquering this mountain will help me be more open to relationships and not being such a loner all the time.

I never saw blue like that before

I went to my sorority's annual Alumnae Tea. It was amazing. It has been such a long time since I've been around some of those women and it was such a good time. I didn't realize how much I actually missed it until I was around them and reconnecting with so many people from my past. I definitely hope that since I'm back in UCF I'll be a little more able to stay in contact with some of them.

Overall a great day! <3

Kristy, Kristen, Jessica, Me, Nicole.
Family 69 <3

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

I went out for St. Patrick’s Day with 2 of my favorite sorority sisters and 2 of their guy friends from high school – both of whom I’ve met a few times before. We had fun, went to a few different bars, drank, merriment was had.

Anywho, as we were sitting at our last bar stop before heading home we got to talking about guys pick-up techniques with women. Actually….my sorority sisters, one of the guys and me were watching the other guy from our group try and pick up a girl and fail miserably (but that is a whole other story in itself). As we sat there discussing this one guys technique, the other guy who was sitting with us said the following:

“You have to treat a princess like a whore, and a whore like a princess. It’s the only way.”

The three of us girls just sat there and were kind of like “wtf!?!” He proceeded to explain his statement. After he explained it more in detail, I have to admit it made a lot of sense in a weird and twisted way, like you know it shouldn’t be that way, but it so is…and it’s sad.

He said that if you treat a girl different than what she’s too it will draw her in because it is something new and exciting.

For the past few days I have been walking around and analyzing all of my male relationships to this standard. It’s kind of pathetic that I’m taking such a statement to heart……but for some reason I am.

Phillies Spring Training

This past Monday I went to a Phillies spring training game against the Yankees. My Philly Loves lost, but whatever it was fun. I went with some guys from work, one of their fiances, and their 5 month on baby (precious!).

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

My mom has been having to give me the “everything happens for a reason” lecture/chat/what have you, a lot recently.


It’s probably weird that I remember the first time she ever gave me this lecture, but I do. It was back in my senior year of high school when her and my dad had to sit me down and tell me that they were so proud of me for getting accepted into both of my dream schools (Temple University and Drexel University….both in Philly)but they couldn’t send me for financial reasons. They told me that it broke their hearts that this was the second time they had to give this talk to one of their kids because they had just done it three years prior with my older sister when she got accepted into Boston University. They had known how excited I was to go to Philly, it was like going home. My entire family is there. And for my mom, Temple University was extra exciting because it was her alma mater.

Needless to say, both my older sister and I ended up at UCF. It just made sense. We both had full ride scholarships. My mom and dad had sat both of us (my older sister and I) down at some point during our senior year and told us that “everything happens for a reason” and there was a reason that we were meant to stay in Florida and go to school. And they were, in fact, right. I mean I probably have a list miles long of people I would have never met had I gone in a different direction other than UCF; people who I know will be in my life forever. I’ve made amazing friendships through classes, sorority life, work, and even made amazing friends through other friends. And I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world – they mean so much to me.

Recently, I’ve been calling her a lot more than normal because she is the only person who can reassure me that everything is going to be okay. I tell myself every day that it is truly going to be okay. For Pete’s sake I wrote a whole blog entry about it, I ought to be able to fully believe it by now. Every time I call her in tears she says the same thing.

“Mariah, I know it’s not an ideal situation to have happened, but you know there is a purpose for all of this happening. Just think about it, had you not left UCF you would still be miserable as a Hospitality major. You would have never discovered how passionate you are for Art/Art History and being able to take the time to step back and realize that, at Valencia is a wonderful thing. I am so proud of how you have handled this entire situation and how much you have grown in the past two years.”

It’s actually a talk a lot longer than that, but that pretty much sums it up. I usually feel a million times better upon hanging up the phone after having one of these conversations with her, but recently that doesn’t seem to be the case. I feel like this stuff with UCF is a never ending fight and I am just getting tired and worn out from it, like my spirit is just being sucked from me.

I know my mom is right though. All of this is happening for a reason. Someday in the future I will look back on it and realize what that purpose was – but for now…bah...I’m just wicked confused and frustrated about it all.

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”