There's no need to rush

I realized something today while driving to Target with a group of my friends.


I am in no rush to grow up.

I sat in the car listening to to everyone talking about life after graduation and I realized I don't want to do it just yet. I realized how relieved I am that I did get set back with my college education because had I not I would have graduated this past spring and been forced into the "real world" with everyone else I know...and I'm just not ready for it.

I feel like it's something that everyone still expects. You grow up, move out of your parents home to go to college, graduate, get a rockin' job, get married, and have children.

But my question is, what's the rush?

I sat in this little Honda Civic with three of my friends talking about marriage, student loans being paid off, and salary jobs. All of which I am in no hurry to have to deal with. I sit there and listen to them complain about the lack of a job market. And it makes me want it all even less.

For some people, that's just how they see their life going, ironically enough I used to think that was how I wanted my life to go. But it's like I had a huge break through, an epiphany, all in the span of a few hours.

It's as if my panic attack inducing fear of being alone for the rest of my life is *poof* gone.

We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen when it's

Supposed to happen and we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

True Life: I'm such a nerd, but I'm okay with it

Soooo aside from being a big, huge, hopeless romantic, I am also a book nerd. Seriously. No lie. Growing up I LOVED the Disney classic Beauty and the Beast purely for the fact that he had a ridiculously amazing library with ladders, floor to ceiling shelves, and huge leather seats.

Ever since I first saw that library I was in love, and I knew I wanted one just like it in my house. Grant it, I probably won't find on like the Beauty and the Beast library, but I was reading my September issue of InStyle, and they did a little interview with Diane von Furstenberg and they showed pictures of her house. And her study/library is like my dream Beauty and the Beast library brought into the modern day. Brightly covered books everywhere, floor to ceiling shelves, ladders, and amazingly bright chairs and couches scattered everywhere.

It was perfect. Sadly, I was unable to find a picture but I will forever save that interview so I can refer back to her library someday when I have my own house to decorate, and the DvF library will be my inspiration.

[first lines]

Narrator: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?

Belle: [singing] I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand... I want so much more than they've got planned.

Beast: [singing] She glanced this way, I thought I saw... And when we touched, she didn't shudder at my paw. No, it can't be; I'll just ignore... But then, she's never looked at me that way before...
 
Beast: [Struggling] You... You Came Back.
Belle: Of Course I came back. I couldn't let them... Oh this is all my fault. If Only I had gotten here sooner.
Beast: Maybe... Maybe it's better this way.
Belle: Don't talk like that. You'll be alright. Were together now everything's going to be fine, you'll see.
Beast: And at least I got to see you one last time.
[the Beast Dies]
Belle: No, No Please, Please, Please don't leave me.
[Sobbing]
Belle: I love you.
[the Last Rose Petal Falls]

Cogsworth: [singing] Well, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before.
Chip: What?
Mrs. Potts: [singing] There may be something there that wasn't there before.
Chip: *What's* there, Mama?
Mrs. Potts: Shh. I'll tell you when you're older.
[kisses Chip]

Beast: I want to do something for her... but what?
Cogsworth: Well, there's the usual things: flowers... chocolates... promises you don't intend to keep...

Cogsworth: As you can see, the pseudo-façade was stripped away to reveal a inimalist Rococo design. Note the unusual inversed vaulted ceilings.
[as he, Lumiere, and Belle walk past the nights in armor, they turn their heads to follow them]
Cogsworth: This is yet another example of the late neoclassic Baroque period. And, as I always say, "if it's not Baroque, don't fix it!"
[notices the kights with their heads turned]
Cogsworth: As you were!
[the kights turn their heads back forward]

Basically, I'm a romantic.

I've always been a hopeless romantic, maybe it was all the princess movies I watched growing up, but I just can't help it.

There is just something so exhilerating thinking about two people falling in love. I can't wait for the day when I meet that one special guy. That one guy who knew instantly that we were meant to be. The one guy who can never imagine himself with any one but me. The one guy who will love me, everything about me, and all my crazy flaws, without question.

Not you're average game of hide-n-seek

Everyone has something in their life that they hide behind; whether it's disease, death, or destruction everyone has something that they use as a shield to block others from knowing the real them.

I hide behind my Trichotillomania.

Trichotillomania (pronounced: trik-oh-till-oh-may-nee-ah) is a type of psychological condition that involves strong urges to pull out one's own hair.
Doctors used to believe trichotillomania was rare. But that thinking is now changing as experts gain a better understanding of the condition and more people come forward for help. Trichotillomania affects more girls than guys.

I've been struggling with this disorder since 5th grade. And up until about 4 months ago I had trouble actually accepting it. My mom would see my diminishing hair and try to talk to me about it and I would get extremely defensive about it and start yelling at her until she would drop the topic, but I could always tell she was worried about me.
 
The weekend in May that I went up to Philadelphia for my older sisters bridal shower I finally was able to admit it to my mom. It was hard, involved a lot of tears, and me making a vow to stop pulling before my sisters wedding. I can't say that at that very moment I instantly stopped pulling because in fact I didn't. I want to, oh how I wanted to stop pulling, but it's just not that easy.
 
The beginning of July brought so much panic to me. My sister was getting married in less than a month and I still hadn't stopped pulling. I knew she had been planning on the bridal party getting their hair done by a professional, and I was terrified. At that point I had definitely slowed down my pulling, but by no means could I say that I had completely stopped the action.
 
It was almost subconscious and I was doing it without even thinking about it or realizing it. I would sit down to read a book or magazine and my hand would instantly gravitate towards my head, or I'd being driving home from work and my hand would find it's way to the top of my head. It finally took me spending an entire night doing some research about Trichotillomania to figure out my plan of action. I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. It was going to be something that I would have to think about every single day for the rest of my life. On one website I read testimonials of people who were "cured" of the disorder and some of them gave some really great advice.
 
One woman wrote about how she would never even allow herself to put her hands anywhere near her face. By making that a rule for herself it took the focus away from just keeping her hand out of her hair and putting the focus to another body part all together. I'm not entirely sure why, but that was the biggest and best piece of advice I got from the entire website. Just a few weeks before my sisters wedding I made the commitment to myself that I would completely stop. I would go charging into battle and I would win it. There was no other option.
 
Currently I am 27 days of no pulling, almost a month, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I've made it a point to keep a running count of how many days I haven't pulled on a dry erase board, it has helped me so much because I get a little bit of a rush every time I get the chance to erase the old number and put up my new number of how many days I've been pull free. It sort of replaces that rush that I got from pulling my hair out to begin with.
 
While I being sure to take things day by day I am so looking forward to what overcoming this challenge has in the future for me. The nerd that I am had to look up the rate of hair grown (1/2 an inch per month). I was hoping I would be able to show off a new do at my grandfather's 80th birthday party but I don't think that will happen seeing as it will be in November, that would only give me about 2.5 inches. While that is a total bummer that I won't be able to rock a new style I think it will definitely look so much better that what it used to look like. By November everything will at least be filled in a not all patchy and scarce looking.
 
I blame my Trichotillomania for my lack of physical relationships. I'm hiding behind my lack of hair and pushing people away who try and get close to me. I know that's not a healthy thing to do, but neither really is pulling out your hair, but I still do that. I hope that conquering this mountain will help me be more open to relationships and not being such a loner all the time.

I never saw blue like that before

I went to my sorority's annual Alumnae Tea. It was amazing. It has been such a long time since I've been around some of those women and it was such a good time. I didn't realize how much I actually missed it until I was around them and reconnecting with so many people from my past. I definitely hope that since I'm back in UCF I'll be a little more able to stay in contact with some of them.

Overall a great day! <3

Kristy, Kristen, Jessica, Me, Nicole.
Family 69 <3