Repost: Trichotillomania

This is something that I wrote a few years ago about myself - it is still something that. I battle with daily. Felt like it would be a great repost since I am re-starting this whole blogging thing....


Everyone has something in their life that they hide behind; whether it's disease, death, or destruction everyone has something that they use as a shield to block others from knowing the real them.

I hide behind my Trichotillomania.

Trichotillomania (pronounced: trik-oh-till-oh-may-nee-ah) is a type of psychological condition that involves strong urges to pull out one's own hair.
Doctors used to believe trichotillomania was rare. But that thinking is now changing as experts gain a better understanding of the condition and more people come forward for help. Trichotillomania affects more girls than guys.

I've been struggling with this disorder since 5th grade. And up until about 4 months ago I had trouble actually accepting it. My mom would see my diminishing hair and try to talk to me about it and I would get extremely defensive about it and start yelling at her until she would drop the topic, but I could always tell she was worried about me.
 
The weekend in May that I went up to Philadelphia for my older sisters bridal shower I finally was able to admit it to my mom. It was hard, involved a lot of tears, and me making a vow to stop pulling before my sisters wedding. I can't say that at that very moment I instantly stopped pulling because in fact I didn't. I want to, oh how I wanted to stop pulling, but it's just not that easy.
 
The beginning of July brought so much panic to me. My sister was getting married in less than a month and I still hadn't stopped pulling. I knew she had been planning on the bridal party getting their hair done by a professional, and I was terrified. At that point I had definitely slowed down my pulling, but by no means could I say that I had completely stopped the action.
 
It was almost subconscious and I was doing it without even thinking about it or realizing it. I would sit down to read a book or magazine and my hand would instantly gravitate towards my head, or I'd being driving home from work and my hand would find it's way to the top of my head. It finally took me spending an entire night doing some research about Trichotillomania to figure out my plan of action. I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. It was going to be something that I would have to think about every single day for the rest of my life. On one website I read testimonials of people who were "cured" of the disorder and some of them gave some really great advice.
 
One woman wrote about how she would never even allow herself to put her hands anywhere near her face. By making that a rule for herself it took the focus away from just keeping her hand out of her hair and putting the focus to another body part all together. I'm not entirely sure why, but that was the biggest and best piece of advice I got from the entire website. Just a few weeks before my sisters wedding I made the commitment to myself that I would completely stop. I would go charging into battle and I would win it. There was no other option.
 
Currently I am 27 days of no pulling, almost a month, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I've made it a point to keep a running count of how many days I haven't pulled on a dry erase board, it has helped me so much because I get a little bit of a rush every time I get the chance to erase the old number and put up my new number of how many days I've been pull free. It sort of replaces that rush that I got from pulling my hair out to begin with.
 
While I being sure to take things day by day I am so looking forward to what overcoming this challenge has in the future for me. The nerd that I am had to look up the rate of hair grown (1/2 an inch per month). I was hoping I would be able to show off a new do at my grandfather's 80th birthday party but I don't think that will happen seeing as it will be in November, that would only give me about 2.5 inches. While that is a total bummer that I won't be able to rock a new style I think it will definitely look so much better that what it used to look like. By November everything will at least be filled in a not all patchy and scarce looking.
 
I blame my Trichotillomania for my lack of physical relationships. I'm hiding behind my lack of hair and pushing people away who try and get close to me. I know that's not a healthy thing to do, but neither really is pulling out your hair, but I still do that. I hope that conquering this mountain will help me be more open to relationships and not being such a loner all the time.