Repost: Trichotillomania

This is something that I wrote a few years ago about myself - it is still something that. I battle with daily. Felt like it would be a great repost since I am re-starting this whole blogging thing....


Everyone has something in their life that they hide behind; whether it's disease, death, or destruction everyone has something that they use as a shield to block others from knowing the real them.

I hide behind my Trichotillomania.

Trichotillomania (pronounced: trik-oh-till-oh-may-nee-ah) is a type of psychological condition that involves strong urges to pull out one's own hair.
Doctors used to believe trichotillomania was rare. But that thinking is now changing as experts gain a better understanding of the condition and more people come forward for help. Trichotillomania affects more girls than guys.

I've been struggling with this disorder since 5th grade. And up until about 4 months ago I had trouble actually accepting it. My mom would see my diminishing hair and try to talk to me about it and I would get extremely defensive about it and start yelling at her until she would drop the topic, but I could always tell she was worried about me.
 
The weekend in May that I went up to Philadelphia for my older sisters bridal shower I finally was able to admit it to my mom. It was hard, involved a lot of tears, and me making a vow to stop pulling before my sisters wedding. I can't say that at that very moment I instantly stopped pulling because in fact I didn't. I want to, oh how I wanted to stop pulling, but it's just not that easy.
 
The beginning of July brought so much panic to me. My sister was getting married in less than a month and I still hadn't stopped pulling. I knew she had been planning on the bridal party getting their hair done by a professional, and I was terrified. At that point I had definitely slowed down my pulling, but by no means could I say that I had completely stopped the action.
 
It was almost subconscious and I was doing it without even thinking about it or realizing it. I would sit down to read a book or magazine and my hand would instantly gravitate towards my head, or I'd being driving home from work and my hand would find it's way to the top of my head. It finally took me spending an entire night doing some research about Trichotillomania to figure out my plan of action. I knew that it was not going to be an easy task. It was going to be something that I would have to think about every single day for the rest of my life. On one website I read testimonials of people who were "cured" of the disorder and some of them gave some really great advice.
 
One woman wrote about how she would never even allow herself to put her hands anywhere near her face. By making that a rule for herself it took the focus away from just keeping her hand out of her hair and putting the focus to another body part all together. I'm not entirely sure why, but that was the biggest and best piece of advice I got from the entire website. Just a few weeks before my sisters wedding I made the commitment to myself that I would completely stop. I would go charging into battle and I would win it. There was no other option.
 
Currently I am 27 days of no pulling, almost a month, which is a huge accomplishment for me. I've made it a point to keep a running count of how many days I haven't pulled on a dry erase board, it has helped me so much because I get a little bit of a rush every time I get the chance to erase the old number and put up my new number of how many days I've been pull free. It sort of replaces that rush that I got from pulling my hair out to begin with.
 
While I being sure to take things day by day I am so looking forward to what overcoming this challenge has in the future for me. The nerd that I am had to look up the rate of hair grown (1/2 an inch per month). I was hoping I would be able to show off a new do at my grandfather's 80th birthday party but I don't think that will happen seeing as it will be in November, that would only give me about 2.5 inches. While that is a total bummer that I won't be able to rock a new style I think it will definitely look so much better that what it used to look like. By November everything will at least be filled in a not all patchy and scarce looking.
 
I blame my Trichotillomania for my lack of physical relationships. I'm hiding behind my lack of hair and pushing people away who try and get close to me. I know that's not a healthy thing to do, but neither really is pulling out your hair, but I still do that. I hope that conquering this mountain will help me be more open to relationships and not being such a loner all the time.

I don't blog... no really, its pretty obvious from my lack of posts over the past few years. But, every once in awhile I try to start writing in my blog again - who reads no idea, and frankly I don't care. I do it for me. Every once in awhile something's pops up that I just want to share. Today is one of those days.

I had an interesting experience at the dog park yesterday. I try to take my puppy, Arya, there a few times during the week to get some energy out (she is a 7-month-old Beagle/Jack-Russell mix so she definitely has plenty of extra energy to spend). I sometimes talk with the other dog owners at the park, I have met some pretty interesting people there, but for the most part I stick to myself and let my little puppy do all the socializing.

My trip yesterday was a little different. I sat down on the bench like usual and started playing games on my phone, no big deal. An older gentleman comes in with his dog and we just start small talk chatting - "what kind of dog do you have? How long have you been here? What other dog parks have you checked out in the area?" - the usual dog park convos. We continue chatting for the next hour or so - turns out he is going back to school to be a veterinary technician, and him and his wife moved from New York, we both bonded over our love of history and at one point we both wanted to be teachers (I'm still thinking about going back to school for teaching).

The park closed at 6pm, and we both walked out chatting with a few of the other dog park patrons. As we went to go our separate ways, he turns to me and say "It was a pleasure speaking with you today. You are a beautiful, smart, intelligent, sweet young woman. I hope you never let anyone take advantage of you, and that you don't end up with a jerk."

I was kind of taken aback. We didn't talk about anything super personal throughout the day, however he felt the need to say that.

It really makes you think about how you perceive yourself vs. how others perceive you. I am very quick to pick out all of the flaws that I have - I may be a little overweight, and I don't have perfect skin, and I have a slight stutter when I talk - but even though I may be aware of all of these "flaws" that I think I have doesn't mean that they even affect other people in any way. I rarely take the time to compliment myself on anything and oftentimes think that everything that I do is never enough.

One of my goals for 2014 is to change the way I view myself. Stop being ashamed of who I am and what I have to offer to others and actually believe that I am "beautiful, smart, intelligent, and sweet."